Chemical Warfare, Biological Terror, The threat level is high.... It's higher than ever, (in a world so dangerous, I'm taking precautions...from airborne poisons) Chemical Warfare, Biological Terror, The threat level is high.... It's climbing higher and higher than ever (in a world so dangerous, I'm taking precautions...WITH THE CHEESE AND THE ONION!) Hey man, What's this? It's for protection... I'm breathing through crisps, Hey man, what's that on your lip? A kind of filter... I'm breathing through crisps, Hey man, is that a Whotsit? It is.... I'm breathing through crisps. Hey man, why are you doing this? It's called 'survival'.... I'm breathing through... It started with a Hula, and by that I mean a hoop, but the toxins still can penetrate when you're breathing through a tube, So I needed something porus, So I can respirate, Crisps like Kettle Chips and Brannigans would make me suffocate, So next I tried a Quaver, but they were quick to melt, And the flavour's not my favourite no, I needed something else, listen....If I choose to breath through a Scampi Fry You'd say I'd lost my mind, BUT I'LL BE THE ONE LEFT STANDING AT THE END OF HUMANKIND (bang) Don't offer me a gasmask, Cos gasmasks don't taste good I'm filtering the air I breath with snack foods When they drop the dirty bomb, I'll just carry on, You'll all be asphyxiated, I'll be tasting READY SALTED! Hey man, What's this? It's for protection... I'm breathing through crisps, Hey man, what's that thing on your lip? A type of filter... I'm breathing through crisps, Hey man, is that a Chipstick? Very observant! I'm breathing through crisps. Hey man, why are you doing this? It's called 'survival'.... I'm breathing through crisps I'm breathing through crisps I'm breathing through crisps I'm breathing through crisps I'm breathing through crisps I'm breathing through crisps (crunch)

You might be like, me, You might not wanna do a chore Because you do one well, and no doubt there'll be more. So, if anybody asks 'Oh, can you get me a juice?' Reply back with 'I would, but there's this goose' You can use this trick, on any creed or any race. Yeah, their brow comes down and they're confused in the face. So if all things fail - this is what you should use 'Yeah, I would... but there's this goose' Use the goose excuse (c'mon) Use the goose excuse (yeah) Use the goose excuse I'm the boy that cried goose! Use the goose excuse (c'mon) Use the goose excuse (yeah) Use the goose excuse I would... but there's this goose. So the next time your boss asks you to do a thing. Ask him once again, on what he's referring. 'The sales report figures need to be produced' Yeah, I would... but there's this goose. Walk away now, he's got a bewildered face. Walk around the office like you own the place. Get told by a client that you need to introduce. Yeah, I would... but there's this goose. Use the goose excuse (c'mon) Use the goose excuse (yeah) Use the goose excuse I'm the boy that cried goose! Use the goose excuse (c'mon) Use the goose excuse (yeah) Use the goose excuse I would... but there's this goose. This got me into trouble, yeah once or twice A bloke came up to me to give me a piece of advice Yeah, I shouldn't have provoked him, I know that's no excuse. I'd help your family out mate, but there's this goose! Arrested charged, and hauled into court They read out the charges and asked if I would retort. 'If you admit your guilt, your sentence will be reduced'. Yeah, I would your honour... but there's this goose. Use the goose excuse (c'mon) Use the goose excuse (yeah) Use the goose excuse I'm the boy that cried goose! Use the goose excuse (c'mon) Use the goose excuse (yeah) Use the goose excuse I would... but there's this goose.

Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah a tiny cupboard Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah unsuitably warm Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah and it's in your kitchen Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah what is it for? There's a place inside of your house It's a place that I can't fit inside It's bigger than a box but smaller than a pantry I'm struggling to understand why why why.... Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah a tiny cupboard Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah unsuitably warm Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah and it's in your kitchen Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah what is it for? I saw you put on some mittens and open the door You put in a pie for 30 minutes or more When you returned, I could smell burning. The pie had changed colour and was browner than before. Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah a tiny cupboard Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah unsuitably warm Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah and it's in your kitchen Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah what is it for? Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah a tiny cupboard Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah with dials on the door Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah and it's in your kitchen Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah what is it for? Tiny room Tiny room It's a hot tiny room. It's a small hot tiny room. It's a little hot, and it's a tiny room. It's a hot tiny room. It's a hot tiny room. It's a hot tiny room. It's a hot tiny room. Hot tiny room. Hot tiny room. Hot tiny room. Hot tiny room.

C'mon kids, get your coats. In the car, we're going on a journey. Take a left, now a right. Park the car as we've arrived early. We're at the Asian Food Museum It's gonna be soo good. Dad! What! I wanna check out the poppadoms. I hear ya! I hear ya! Dad! What! Please take me to the bhuna section! This is where, as a family - we all learn. We learn about curry! What's a korma? how to make a naan? cut up chilli's and learn about tandoori. We're at the Asian Food Museum Check out these artefacts. Dad! What! I wanna check out the poppadoms. I hear ya! I hear ya! Dad! What! Please take me to the bhuna section! (Don't forget the tandoori) Welcome to the Asian Food Museum celebrity tour. That's a dress worn by Princess Diana when she once ate a curry. Look at the lapel, there's still a bit of mango chutney on it. Priceless. That's a picture of Cannon and Ball eating a madras in Swindon. That's Michael Fish the weatherman, scoffing a jalfrezi in Swindon in '93. And that wok was used by Denise Van Outen for a promotional campaign for Tefal. That's the end of the tour. Dad! What! I wanna check out the poppadoms. I hear ya! I hear ya! Dad! What! Please take me to the bhuna section! Dad! What! I'm wanna check out the poppadoms. We've done that bit! We've done that bit! Dad! What! Please take me to the bhuna section!

Well done. Welcome to stage 2. You have successfully completed the stage 1 theory module. The principles you have learned are now ready to be applied. In the real world. Don't be nervous. Trained staff are on hand at all times. The next stage won't be easy. Not everyone will make it through. This is normal. Just try and concentrate on what you have already learned. You are no longer a civilian. You're on your way of becoming a highly trained operator of... Kettle. Intermediate kettle. Kettle Intermediate kettle. Pick up the kettle. Enter the lug into the base of the kettle. Despite what you may have heard previously, this is not called an IEC connector. From now on.. It's a kettle lead. Don't be nervous. The electricity only lives on the inside. Open the lid. Place the kettle under the tap. Commence filling using the gauge to determine depth. Place it back on its base. Inspect the area for spillages. Once you are happy that all the fluid is contained, place the button on the... Kettle. Intermediate kettle. Kettle Intermediate kettle. Can you see the red light? Listen for the boiling sounds. Can you hear them? Feel your expectation rising. If you stare at the kettle. Can you see steam? Keep your eyes on the kettle as the temperature rises. Make sure you're breathing as the kettle is boiling. You have done your job. Do not touch the kettle anymore. Your instructor will take over from here. It's time to step away and realise your own limits. It's time to hand over to someone who has completed all stages of... Kettle. Intermediate kettle. Kettle Intermediate kettle. Kettle. Intermediate kettle. Kettle Intermediate kettle.

I'm at a tourist location. I'm near Buckingham Palace. I've got something your child wants. I've got something your child wants. I've got a bag of hot breath just for you. It's all tied up and it's attached to this string I've got a bag of hot breath just for you. Inside this balloon. I'm near Big Ben and it's raining. I'm holding hot bags of my breath. I've got a Burberry jacket on. I've got something your child wants. I've got a bag of hot breath just for you. It's all tied up and it's attached to this string I've got a bag of hot breath just for you. Inside this balloon. This is how I make my money Hustling tourists in the rain or when it's sunny. This one's got a Pokemon on it I only take cash cos I've got no permit. All these balloons that I am holding, Contain my breath because of my blowing. Now, try and make your child happy. Give them my breath and be a good daddy. I've got a bag of hot breath just for you. It's all tied up and it's attached to this string I've got a bag of hot breath just for you. Inside this balloon. I've got a bag of hot breath just for you. Attached to this string, it's all tied up. I've got a bag of hot breath just for you. Inside this balloon.

Hi mum, hi dad. I learned something really interesting today in science class - I thought I'd tell you about. It's about these things that are everywhere called bacteria. I'd never heard of them. They're sometimes bad and sometimes good. Apparently they're quite normal Some are living in my food. Bacteria. They're sometimes bad and sometimes good Apparently they're not my fault. Some are living in my guy. Bacteria. So I have started drinking more Yakult. I began to worship the occult. So I have started drinking more Yakult. I began to worship the occult. Satan. Satan is my leader. Make me a believer. That tells me about bacteria. Satan. Satan is my leader. Make me a believer. That tells me about bacteria. They are crawling in the bin. They are thriving on my skin. They are in the biscuit tin. Bacteria. They're on Bernard Matthews hand. They are in Afghanistan. They're on Patrick Kielty's hand. Bacteria. They're on Patrick Kielty's hand. Satan. Satan is my leader. Make me a believer. That tells me about bacteria. Satan. Satan is my leader. Make me a believer. That tells me about bacteria. Satan. Satan is my leader. Make me a believer. That tells me about bacteria. Satan. Satan is my leader. Make me a believer. That tells me about bacteria. So I have started drinking more Yakult. I began to worship the occult. So I have started drinking more Yakult. I began to worship the occult.

I was in the office, and sat listening to phone calls. A man was speaking to a client, he had arrogance in his voice. He said 'Now, these will sell like hot shit at Wilko'. But there must be a video of the product being played on a loop, on a loop. I was at work experience at JML The best two week of my entire life. Work experience at JML Innovate inventions that nobody wants. The man on the phone continued His voice like liquid Midas 'If you stock the pens, I'll do you a deal on pans' My face, pure admiration. A shout from the back of the office It's 2pm on a Friday Everyone to the boardroom For a meeting on ideas generation. I took some notes on some JML ideas...How about Padded coat hangers? Collapsible stepladders? massive remote controls? Or feet scrubbers for your massive soles. Tablets for your tumble dryer? A pen that can detect fire? What about a solar powered mop? These will never be available in shops. Then, they looked at me Wanting an idea from me. I looked, and thought for a bit. 'An alarm clock that goes off when you blow on it?' I was at work experience at JML The best two week of my entire life. Work experience at JML Innovate inventions that nobody wants. Work experience at JML The best two week of my entire life. Work experience at JML Innovate inventions that nobody wants. I was at work experience at JML The best two week of my god fucking life. Work experience at JML Come on everyone, one more time! . I was at work experience at JML The best two week of my entire life. Work experience at JML Innovate inventions that nobody wants. Work experience at JML The best two weeks of my entire life....

For all of my life I've been washing my face with my digits. Yeah, just my fingers. For most of my time I have been amazed with the Olympics. Yeah, the Olympics. For 25 years, I've been washing my face with my digits. Just with my digits. For most of my time I have been amazed with the Olympics. Yeah, the Olympics. So, my face is dirty and I like athletics, I know just want to do... I've got to go to town on a bus. And make my way to the Body Shop. I need to step my facial hygiene up. And ask them if they've got any in stock. I've got to go to town on a bus. And make my way to the Body Shop. I need to step my facial hygiene up. And ask them if they've got any in stock. Well, have they got the following in stock? I need a Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Have you got any? Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. Sally Gunnel flannel. And actually, while you're in the back there - have you got a... Dame Kelly Holmes comb? Dame Kelly Holmes comb? Dame Kelly Holmes comb? Dame Kelly Holmes comb? Dame Kelly Holmes comb? Dame Kelly Holmes comb? Dame Kelly Holmes comb? Dame Kelly Holmes comb? Dame Kelly Holmes comb? Dame Kelly Holmes comb? Dame Kelly Holmes comb? Dame Kelly Holmes comb? Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine. Linford Christie listerine.

Oh, you caught me. I was writing the words 'La Isla Bonita' on my wife's neck. Las Isla Bonita. Oh, you caught me. I was dining at a Beefeater trying to outstare a kettle. Outstaring kettles. Oh, you caught me. I was getting my car to pass its MOT using only my shadow. Shadow MOT Oh, you caught me. I was attaching myself to the police system so I could be the first human yoyo. Mutti Help me. I'm dangerously close to the edge. Mutti Help me. It's been so long since the bus went. Oh, you caught me. I was watching an episode of 'Allo Allo whilst trying to use a roosters neck as an adhesive. Sticky rooster neck Oh, you caught me. I was on the way to the bank to get a loan for my dictionary mincing business. Mincing dictionary Oh, you caught me. I was asking a librarian what's the biggest bag of teeth she's ever seen Bag heavy teeth. Oh, you caught me. I was setting up an online where I would teach you how to knit mouse gas. Mutti Help me. I'm dangerously close to the edge. Mutti Help me. It's been so long since the bus went. Mutti Help me. I'm dangerously close to the edge. Mutti Help me. It's been so long since the bus went.

Brush tongue Rinse Spit out the paste. Brush tongue Rinse Spit out the paste. The paste, the paste, the paste. There's a man in a shopping mall. There's a twat in a suit. He's stopping the shoppers. Pointing out plaque. It's unrealistic It's a terrible ad. But they seem interested As he's shown them a graph. Brush tongue Rinse Spit out the paste. Brush tongue Rinse Spit out the paste. The paste, the paste, the paste. And it's a view of a dentist It's being filmed on a phone. It's being shot in an office In front of a window. The shot's out of focus, And the acting is shat. And they're cutting the budget on dentistry ads. Brush tongue Rinse Spit out the paste. Brush tongue Rinse Spit out the paste. The paste, the paste, the paste. Brush your tongue. Rinse. Spit out your paste. Your paste. Your paste. Your paste. Do you remember the old days? Mentadent P? Let's say it together. Mentadent P! Or the Aquafresh family. Or Mentadent P. Let's whisper it slowly. Aquafresh family. Brush tongue Rinse Spit out the paste. Brush tongue Rinse Spit out the paste. The paste, the paste, the paste. Brush tongue (Aquafresh family) Rinse Spit out the paste. Brush tongue Rinse Spit out the paste. The paste, the paste, the paste. There's paste in the sink. You've been buying paste all along.

I bought lots of Windowlene That I bought from a terrible car boot sale Now I've got 500 bottles of Windowlene And it's taking up most of my shed. So, I sold my Windowlene. At some social marketplace forums. But if you still look in my shed. It's still full of Windowlene. Christ, I'm wasting all of my life I'm deep in the Windolene business. The irony is not lost on me That I can not see clearly. So, I sold my Windowlene. At some social marketplace forums. But if you still look in my shed. It's still full of Windowlene. So, I sold my Windowlene. At some social marketplace forums. But if you still look in my shed. It's still full of Windowlene. Christ Christ Christ Come on Christ Christ Christ Christ Christ Come on Christ Christ Christ Christ Come on Christ Christ Come on